Help required!

Hello you~

I remember i had this feeling few years ago. I know i was very much in love with that person... About two weeks ago, the feeling comes back again. This is different, i know that wasn't much love involved between us but i seriously have no idea why i had this feeling again.

At the very moment, it seems like no one can help me with this but myself. I tried hard not to think about it but i failed to do so.

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GDI!~Why?

曾经何时

是的，曾经何时。。。
小孩不笨2我也已经看了蛮多遍了， 其实它带给了你什么样的感受？

还记得中学时期， 家里经常闹得鸡犬不宁，当然也没有那么严重。回想起，我觉得我们三兄妹并没因此事而踏入不良的陷阱，若是你问我们是怎么做到的？ 老实说我不知道。
I am very happy that we did not fall for that, otherwise i don't know what might have been. Here is something very funny about me when this thing happened at home or before it happens...

There are few things which i tried not to do so such as listen to Andy Gibb's songs. You may think i'm a freak, but i can assure you that it was somehow very true yet creepy. I think i would never forget about the first time it happened, think about it again, it really was a nightmare!!!

I acted strange on the second day at school, friends have been worried about me. I did not say anything because i thought that was ambarrased, don't you think so (if you know what was going on).

Oh! Another thing which i kind of forbidded myself from doing it was falling in love. Sounds stupid isn't it? Well better believe it. Maybe it was just me, psycho myself all these years.

Many years later... I would say after i came to UK, things started to change in a better way. Again it was just my problems. I guess it is a good thing of not seeing things that happened around you. Most friends said that they really enjoyed their high school life, are you?
In fact, i did but only certain chapters. Especially best friends, they brought colours into my life.

Make a birthday wish before you blow the candles. Well FUCK this idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've just asked a friend on mine today regarding to this question whether the wish that wished ever come true? I guess the answer remains unknown.






Last but not least, i am disappointed about the thing which i expected to be that way and turned out to be not in my way... Distance? Tell me about it!!!

Floating thoughts

I've been sending lots of offline messages to you for the passed i-don't-know-how-many days.

Honestly, i started to feel bored of doing the same thing again and again.

Even so, i wouldn't be telling you this because that is at least one thing i can do... maybe

It has been two weeks without you by my side, i guess i've already get used to my usual lonely and boring lifestyle. Perhaps i need a job to keep me busy!

I kept thinking about the thing you said...

Did it actually mean something beyond than that?

I don't want to think about it but i just couldn't help myself.

Somehow the feeling inside me is telling me that i almost got that right, yet that's just my assumption.

My good friend once asked me how have we been? I immediately changed the topic.
Not that i was trying to hide something but i really don't know how to answer the question.
Probably not at the moment...


Wait (as usual)

Our time together

On July 7 2007, you arrived in Aberdeen airport. Two hours of delayed from Heathrow got my even excited and impatient, no one knows exactly how it felt but us. (Don't worry, no matter how long it takes, i'll always be there waiting for you)

The airport was full of crowd, it made me even nervous wondering how would it be when i first see you? What will you be wearing on that day? What should i do? Smile was the first thing we did, no handshake, no hug or whatsoever, I was too shy to make the first move. We started to talk a little bit, i realized i talked too much while you seem to be much quiet than me.

There was a little problem with your suitcase, i really sorry that happened on this special vacation, really did not see that coming. Thank god, the bag came back safe to the hotel on that evening.

Things turned out to be alright, so naturally. It seems like we were waiting for something amazing happen between us. Just always remember the FIRST... Whenever you go, the surroundings were partially invisible to me. Nothing is as colourful as your appearance, nothing barely compared to your existance... Something is being developed inside me, i wonder the same thing happened to you as well.

There are things which i'll never forget : -
The look in your eyes...
The smile of yours...
The childishness in you (sometimes)...
Things that you knew about (you are really smart)...
The taste of fashion...
The way you treated me (makes me feel so unique)...
There are so much more yet to be listed, i am glad that i met you.

The last night before you left, we talked, i confessed my feelings about you.
I wonder how would it be if we are not 5000 miles apart... You said to me once, distance is like a barrier that weaken the relationship between two persons. As the hours remained getting shorter, the more i wonder yet my brain is totally empty.

The last moment we see each other, i still have a clear picture in me. When we waved... ... ...
I was so strong, i did not cry... Not until last night, when i watched Pocahontas. The ending of the movie was so sad as she stood there and watched him, waved goodbye. It is exactly the same thing happened to our situation, i couldn't go while you couldn't stay because we have our own things to do.

I like you so much...

我回来了
经过了几个月的挣扎，我终于非常地了解自己的能力。
可笑的是我当时还不认输。或许是我肯尝试吧，不然就是自己死要面子！！！
几分钟前做了最后的决定 --- 放弃
原来要放弃并不是那么容易，因为它是需要你的勇气和坚定。
虽然身边的朋友们都叫我别放弃，但我认为我已到达了极限。
希望他们会明白我的原因。
目前最放不下的是远在故乡的家人，因为他们还被蒙在鼓里。
告诉他们事实就有如把他们的期望狠狠地击碎。
我实在做不到。
最近的心情还是七上八下，犹豫不决。。。
开心还是伤心？ 我真的是不知道。
你认为呢？






好了，好事即将来临，非常期待。下次见吧。

空

今年总是心不在焉， 从未有过这样的习惯， 一种坏习惯。
逃课， 懒惰， 堕落， 发梦。。。 。。。
很多时候都很不快乐，却又不知往哪里把它们抛开。
此时此刻的我，只能在音乐里寻找一份安慰。
表面经常都显得若无其事， 谁都无法猜测我的心情。
我目前是得过且过， 并感觉不到明天的来临。 只感受到黑暗中的沉默。
泪水是不会因此而流， 因为我感觉不到悲伤。
或许伤心的短片会有帮助吧。
唉~ 真是死到临头还感觉不到恐惧。

死亡之梦

妈妈就坐在我身边陪伴着我,
医生说我的病是不能医治了。
但我并不是很清楚是什么病。
就这样， 我只剩下几星期的时间而已。
时间飞逝，不在多久我将离开这世界。
葬礼的一切都准备得很体贴， 也许家人都已准备好了。
地点充满了人群 - 家人，亲戚，朋友，还有陌生人。。。

我在想这会是我的最后一天吗？
我很努力的向家人表示我并不想离开。
但有好象没有人在听我说的每一句话。
我非常地困扰，我一直在那挣扎着。

我并不是死于病症，而是开枪自杀。
前往死亡地点， 那个人将那把枪交到我手上，我还看到里面有四刻子弹。
握在手中的那把枪，我感到死亡的来临。
它的重量似乎代表着沉重的场面。。。

我并没让子弹送走我的生命，因为我不想就这样的一走了之。
离开后的感觉会是怎样的？ 我还有机会看见家人吗？

很奇怪的是亲戚们都很失望我还活着。
他们越是失望，我越是不清不楚。。。










起码我目前知到这只是一场梦，因为我还在呼吸，静静躺着时还可以感觉到、听到我的心跳。

Knowing how i feel

It has been some times that i received greeting cards from friends and family.
Somehow this year, at least i know that i no longer a loner.
Perhaps the best ever in my whole life.
Can you imagine how powerful a card could be? Seems like my whole world has been turned around, the mountain is no longer higher nor the sea is getting deeper.
It is really hard for me to put it in words unless you actually experience what i've been through.
Although it was not the best as compared to others, i am assuring you right now that it was the best on current situation.
Distance is really a problem that stops me from going on, but i'm still waiting for the right chance. Speaking of which, i did sometimes ask myself should i let go and move on or stand still to where i am just now.
This is a hard decision, because you cannot really see the U-turn sign once you have made the decision.


All i know is at this very moment, someone is thinking about me. And i am thinking about the same as well. I just wish that one-day will come, as soon as i wish~

*Hugs + Kisses*

Wishing a dream comes true

I had a weird but wonderful dream last night.
What would it be, if i were to agree on something?
I wish i'll sleep forever and live the rest of my life in that dream.
Surprisingly i rejected it. What was i thinking?
Honestly, i have no idea why i did that.
Perhaps i'm not ready to let go of something which i have been wanted for a long time...
I regreted for what i have done in that dream and i should have agree that.
The picture is really blur in my mind at this moment, but i still remember some clear voice.

Please, let me go back to that dream. I just want to make sure of something...
If i have only got a single chance in this life, to live in that dream again, i think i'll be the happiest person in the world.

"Hey, please forgive me for what i've done. I should have agree IT, giving IT a chance. Please come back......"

It's just almost

Hey you... How've you been?
It has been 7 months since my last post. In fact, i've got few post in MSN live space. Service not that bad, just that everyone in my list can just click on my space and read them. Where is the privacy then?

I've been really busy since the uni starts. Had my shift at Burger King reduced to three days instead of five days, think that's the best way so that i can have more time to concentrate on my studies and tons of assignments.

Many things happened since the day i'm back from Malaysia. Feeling that part-time job isn't that interesting anymore, nor my skin conditions is getting any better (it's really driving me crazy). Everything seems like a mess!

Two days ago, a thought came to me - am i missing something? Then i realised that is actually a fact........


I've almost forgotten about love
I've almost lost it
I've almost get rid of it
Oh no! I have no idea what i've been doing ever since i came back
It seems strong yet it makes me confused
Maybe i'll just let it be

幸福的鸳鸯

原来身边的朋友们，个个都结伴了。
好幸福啊~ 真是羡慕死人！！！
照片里头的两个人，左拥右抱地。。。
在冷冻的夜里，就算寒风在猛，也只不过是小意思。
是不是也很想尝试呢？
那就把握机会，好好地找个适合的对象吧。
当然，真正的爱才是最主要的噢~~~

祝福你们啦！！！！！

二月十四号

一年一度的情人节即将来临，相信天下有情人都盼望着那一天的到来。
他无时无刻地在想着要如何与她一起渡过那二十四小时，该为她准备些什么样的礼物。。。
她痴痴地耐心地等待着那一天，幻想着他们的二人世界的情人节。。。
整个地球似乎都隐藏着神秘的惊喜；在热情的太阳，潇洒的月光，仿佛都败在男男女女之间的爱。

========================================================

一个人的寂寞，是很凄惨。
往往都忽略了擦身而过的机会，就这样的又渡过一样的二月十四。
别人说过如过那件东西是属于你的，永远都不会离开你。
但这样的说法，会不会给人带来了过多的希望呢？

========================================================

人生的路程，是永远的。
闹钟一响，也就是时候停下脚步；放下一些，走了。。。
回头想象着一步一步走过的路程，原来它是那么的特别，包罗万象。
要风得风，要雨得雨；要爱得爱，要钱得钱。
当然，它们来得很不容易。




最辛苦的还是寻找着你爱及爱你的人。。。

========================================================

一海两岸的分离，需要很大的勇气来面对彼此，面对爱。
真心，真爱都在考验着你和我。
双方就象签了一份协议书，若不遵守许下的诺言，协议书里就从此划上一条无色无味的疤。。。

========================================================

冬天的情人节冷得令人心酸，无奈，又空虚。
经常幻想着两人拥抱时的那一刻，也许回舒服些。起码有人和你一起分享着冬天的爱。

========================================================

但愿今年情人节的我不是孤单地。
也愿天下有情人终成眷属。

Ever since that day

Ever since that day, i heard that someone is going back home.
Desperation in me is haunting me all the time, questions wondering around the air that i breath.
I have been telling mom that i wanted to go home more than twice, she said yes but i decided not to.
I kept telling friends that i wanted to go home, yet i said no with my reasons.
Most people didn't get my message why i chose not to go back.
Some thought that i even don't feel like going back at all... It was quite hurt at the moment.
I blame no one for this, because they don't know exactly how i felt.

Ever since that day, things started to change gradually, silently, patiently...
Ever since that day i met you, the answer was there.
Ever since that day...

Today

听着 “The Velocity Of Love” 带给我的感觉，我想你也会感觉到吧。

我的圣诞节是冷清清地，你呢？
每一年的这一年，永远都没怎样改变我的生活；而你呢？
我会幻想着与你一起度过这一天。

--------------------------------------------------------------

It strikes my feeling wherever i go, whenever i am alone.
Perhaps that is love.
Should it be something that bothers you all the while or it is just as it is?
Think about the day to comes, when you reach your hands to me.
Looking into my eyes and say you love me, forever and ever.
How long should i wait for the moment?

Close me eyes and feel the moment.
The moment that gives chance to you and i.
The moment which i appreciate the most in my life.

The sun rises and falls, so as Love?
It comes and goes, but should i ever let you go?
A question that has been asking myself many times ago.
The answer is unknown...

完美中的不完美

光阴似箭，瑞士之旅已是过去的事了。。
大自然的周围是那么的美丽动人。
它似真又如假地引诱了人类的肉眼，慢慢地触动了人类的心灵。
就是偏偏。。。
就偏偏少了你。
在美的景色，少了你就冷淡了一切。
寒风的势力，倾诉着你的缺席。
我在寻找着那份温暖，一份最贴心的温暖。
并且也只有你能给我。

我依然等待着那份温暖。。。

it has been awhile, which i have no freaking idea why am i so lazy to go online. maybe since the day where my itunes wasn't working anymore, songs were deleted from my music folder and many problems occured to my pc. it did irritate me for quite some times until this moment. well the feeling starts to fade away cause i have to send my pc back to the factory for 'treatment'.

a call from my cool mom in the afternoon, quite few times where i almost vomit out that sentence... "mom, my pc was stolen on the fourth day after arrival..." it happened so naturally that i can't control my emotion but to tell her about that. somehow i'm so glad that i still keep that away from my mom and dad. puasa is the season where dad's business gets better every year. mom said that he wants to save labour cost and therefore didn't hire any part-time students to help him for the passed two / three years, i can't believe that i was in fact didn't know about that. how ashame i am. two funny things told by mom through the phone today. first of all, i just realized that and started to wondering whether my dad knows how to read in mandarin or understand what's going on in the news. however, he told mom a funny story!!!!! secondly, since when my dad got his own brand for all the goods he is selling in the shop??? that i got to question as mom said that customers were looking for the 'vincent brand's flour'. well i do hope that my dad got his own trademark, then i'll be a richman son. it's half passed twleve in the morning, i am sitting in front of my sick pc and type this out. elvis' voice bringing me back to the passed, still i can't feel the situation of 70s / 80s. guess i better continue my drawings before i feel guilt in tomorrow class, besides, it's a group project. should i say that i hate group project? not really, cause it makes my life easier, yet most of the time i suffered for that!!!!!

working experience at burger king is a great oppotunity for me to expose myself more to western people. ever feel that being discriminate? guess that happened to every individual. it's depend on where, when and who. to be frank, if you are bloody lucky, you sure having great time!!!!!!! which i think it happened to me at this moment and i hope that last forever.

recieving my first pay for the last 22 years of my life. i think the amount was good. maybe not for some people.

this is my working experience at burger king....

she was from other country. she is pretty, but not my type.

busybody, lazy, very miss-type kind of girl and etc.

there was the first shift that we were working at the board area, where we prepare burgers. being part of the brew member at burger king, aren't you suppose to learn? or maybe...

i was damn busy with something at one corner while she is doing nothing there, the orders pop-up in the monitor, and we are suppose to do whatever that ordered by customers. the most funiest was that she pretened nothing happened and wait until i tell her what to make...

it's very irritating if you were me.

guess that's all for now, hyperactive at this moment.

nite, andy

Guilt-Me

I do believe in Karma.
I get what i deserved.

Guilt strikes me again.
I have no excuse to forgive myself and i did not plan to do so...

========================================

The phone rings while he was so busy packing ingredients.
I knew that because i seen that before, during Puasa.
He could not recognized my voice, guess he must be so surprised and happy to hear from me again.
I knew that because our last conversation was ages ago.
He must be so disappointed and heart broken.
I knew that because that was the same reason why i called him for the passed three years.

I am really useless.
I felt so bad for being treated him like this for so long.

I feeling shameful~

9/11

9/11 ，超非凡！

Message to you

看着你与他的爱情，你仿佛付出了太多；开心的都留给他，却把伤心的留给自己。
每次见你的时后，我虽然开心，但又非常心疼。
我真的无法接触到你，伸出双手帮你也更不值得一提。
你是否愿意为他牺牲呢？我呢？

我是真的很爱你，无论哪时哪刻；想你时就有多甜蜜，心跳也慢慢地加速。

你会爱我吗？我老实一点的问你，你此时此刻的爱，会不会因我而燃烧？
它会是越烧越猛的火，还是有头无尾的无聊爱情故事？
告诉我，你要我。。。你爱我。。。


致我爱的人

Frozen

I guess i was and am still living in the froze world of my own.
I've been freezing myself for ages, what the hack am i thinking?
Being too protective? Or nice to others while the worst liar to myself?
It probably right, my life is frozen...